My mind is filled this week, I can barely make sense of my thoughts. I will do my best to write them down and not be to long winded.
1. Ever keeps telling me she wants to be a sister, I am not sure where she is getting it from but she says it daily. I would love to do that for her, hopefully soon.
2. Having another baby scares me sometimes. I question how well I will handle it, I fear that I will not give Ever the attention she is used to, I get scared she will resent me. I am not sure I will be able to take great care of her while I am pregnant. I don't want to lay around and have to tell her I can't play with her or that I don't feel good. I get really nervous about it.
3. I love more than anything being her mommy, I definitely have moments when I think a break is much needed, for BOTH of us. Her as much as me, you can get to much of a person I think. Problem is when I am away I struggle enjoying myself. My mind is filled with her, how is she doing, is she being good. I feel guilty for leaving her with someone else. They have lives to and they don't need to be babysitting. This is the reason I have spent one night away from her, I don't like to be gone from her. I struggle with guilt a lot. I wish I could get over that a bit.
4. I tend to over react to a lot of the things Ever does. I should just brush it off I think, on the other hand I want her to know it is not ok, but she gets upset when I am upset and I feel that she is sad she let me down. I don't know how to handle this. She is a great little girl and I fear I will not teach her the best. I don't know if this is normal or makes sense. I just worry a lot about how I am doing as a mother, and maybe worrying so much about trying to teach her right and wrong or what is not ok is making me a worse mother. How do you handle being hit? I am not sure what will teach her that is not ok, nothing is really working yet.
5. Moving on from mommy things, I am so not a cook. I said it, don't enjoy it, not good at it, and really don't have the desire to be. I am sure Rhett would love if I could change that. I need some creativity in the kitchen.
6. I don't love being away from Rhett, at all. I think before Ever was born in our four years of marriage we spent like 6 nights apart total. He makes me feel safe, I love him and he helps me a lot. I will miss him while I am in stg this weekend. He probably likes some space from me, definitely not Ever, he loves her so much and hates to be away from her.
7. I am so nervous to take Ever to the dentist. When did you take your kid? I heard when they get teeth you should take them, well she has them all but 1. I think it is time, but will she freak?
8. Does anyone else hate the scale? I refuse to weigh myself. I hate that number, it can change so much and to be honest, if I know it I think a lot about it. It's been like 2 months since I stepped on it. I don't plan on getting on it soon. I didn't look at the scale my entire pregnancy. I really don't know what I gained, its just a number right?
9.I can't understand how I need to go to the stinking grocery store every single day pretty much. Does anyone else have this problem. Sometimes it is only for one thing, but I must not know how to shop. I don't have enough food to cook like a weeks worth of meals, I am so not good at that.
10. I do not get sick at the sight of blood, I handle those things well, unless it is with Ever. She has had some bad ones these last weeks and I hate it. I can barely look, I hate seeing her in pain. She got a serious treadmill burn on the side of her foot at her cousins house. It was so raw and blistered, she keeps telling me be careful with my owee.
11. I want to end on a good note, I love my life. I like to vent, who doesn't. I hope no one takes it as being negative. I am just being honest, I am a genuinely happy person. I love that I get to stay home and take care of Ever. I hold myself to a high standard, but I really don't think it is possible for me to love her anymore. There is always room for improvement and I will never stop trying to be the best mom for her. I say it a lot but I am so lucky she is mine forever.
I love my in-laws. They are the best, I feel so at home at their house. They watched Ever for me so I could spend some time at the shower not chasing her around. I really appreciate them, she sure loves them.
One more month and Ever is 2. I was thinking about it today, I have been her mommy for 2 years now. It feels so much shorter than that, time goes so fast. I don't want her to grow up yet. I love her being little. I hope she always tells me she loves me before I say it. I hope she always wants me around and prefers me to hold her. I hope for a few more years she will cuddle up on my lap and go to sleep, give me kisses and not feel embarrassed, or have me lay by her and make up stories while she falls asleep. She is my best little buddy and such a good girl.
She picked put her dress up outfit here! She is such a girl, loves to play princesses and dress up.
